Square one

Before you can implement real change or to better yourself you have to work on 2 things. Self acceptance (acceptance period) and self discipline. Acceptance is hard when you don't know how to consciously do that. Now that I have a definition and know the specific skills to do or not do, I can start working on that finally. No one else's acceptance with permanently do anything for me. So no one else's rejection should either. This is my life as it is today. With all the bad and sad and hurt and pain and the happy and excited and the smart and the full of love surprises and desire to love someone and be loved back. But first my self esteem. I have truly not believed people when they say I'm pretty or smart or they were in love with me. It always registered "they only love you cuz they mistakenly married you" "they say they love you cuz they are married and will say anything to contain you" "they say they love you but they can't no one can love me like that what reasons can he possibly" and I never Fought off those dumb voices I didn't hear. Self esteem is something you feel self acceptance is something that you do. I accept that I've been wrong and boy I paid hefty prices for those mistakes. I wish I wouldn't have made them. I made my own difficulty in life. I wanted someone to save me. No one did. I thought someone was supposed to ride up on their horse and declare their love for me, that loss couldn't be bared kinda love. But they had feelings too. How could they possibly think they could do that for me by the feelings I have them? I accept I expected the impossible. It sucks I didn't have good support but really I wasn't honest with the support either. I wanted my white horse and told no one. When I finally realized it wouldn't happen and try to rescue them it's too late. Words can't be taken back. I'm stronger than most so I can take more pain than most people and that is definitely to my disadvantage. It's A very lonely power. Strength. No one has it comparable so when I dish it out and they can't take it, I feel unloved and unworthy. I'm not. It's not their fault what I've been thru and I shouldn't expect them to be able to endure the pain that I can. But just because I can endure doesn't mean someone should keep doing it. If they lie when ur together they will lie when ur apart. They know they can. Accept they don't love you and there is someone else better you haven't met yet. It's all you can do. Don't beat yourself up. You have this one life and you're gonna die soon anyway. Live it.