3rd race

The monster run wow I'm still not doing much ugh

Running tonight!!!

Im trying so hard for motivation!!

Trying and retrying but hey I haven't given up!!

So, no I haven't become a runner like a to all yet but I DO love going to the runs. It inspires me so yesterday I did walk some. I love the non pressure non judgment way Natalie, Michelle & Taresa encourage me. I love that Rhi is always SOMETHING for me to do. I can't let them down either. I am gonna try to couch to 5k thingy again, join Waco striders & go to the Y instead if the small places. Not all crazy at once that will be overwhelming. Actually having the kids full time makes my life make more sense! Parents aren't supposed to be without their kids that long! A mother will go insane. And I did. So now I'm back to normal if there was such a thing haha check out some cook pics from my 2nd 5k! (That I walked mostly I just hate running) lol

2nd 5k... Yes really.

So ever since I haven't run much since the first one... Today I am still driving to Dallas to do my 2nd 5k. I'm kinda disappointed I'm not in any better shape that the last one. I mean I WANT to make time to do it. I just don't know how and keep my kids in activities. They don't do over kill or anything but 2 kids in one sport each semester and schoo work and my full time nurse job. Where's the time for me to make time? Taking away sleep is the only way. I know there's a way I just have to find it. I need help finding it and starting it!! Help! But at least I'm going today. And being with my sister and new friends. This is what I need in my life!!! It's what's missing. 

Motivation.....

WHERE ARE YOU!??? Not doing so good now folks. I make a plan and don't do it!! It's hard to MAKE myself hurt. The pain hurts and I guess I am so afraid of failing I don't wanna try. I'm so embarassed to workout or run. I've never met anyone else that feels like that. Not just my size but my endurance and ability is what is lacking. That is embarassing how do I get past it. How do you get motivated??? Go outside the box here folks cuz trust me I have tried EVERYTHING!!! I was able to motivate Chas and he thought he was unmotivatable!!!! I wish someone could find see in me what I don't see, if it's there. I have determination but when I'm tired and exhausted.. It doesn't do it for me..... Gotta be some help that you motivators that are out there can go even further outside the box than u ever have before to share with me?

Loser-Winner I need my friend RHI now!

I am really such a loser I can't run even once a week! It's too hot, I'm too tired. Life of a busy single mom with very active in sports kids it's really hard. But I'm trying to refocus and remind myself that if I make time to do it then it will increase energy, cure fatigue, etc. you can do this just run today!! Yesterday is gone and everyday matters!! You matter, you can make the difference u want to make u just have to really believe in Urself more than anything and that's what ur problem is. You don't give Urself real credit for ur accomplishments. You say you skimmed by in school it doesn't count, you're not perfect but look what you HAVE done. Your amazing, you're plum fucking stellar! You may not have had parents to tell u they love you when u needed and that hit u and hurt u instead of hug u and protect u but u even survived THAT and took a better road! I'm proud of u I know u can do this, please, just try!!!

Running days

Been running the last couple days gonna stick with it but it's hard while at this new job I freakin work 24 hours a day!

No run July 20, 2013

Yet on vacation. I pretty much wanna just feel like a failure at this point. I'm so fat it hurts to move.  

1st 5k wow LATE

Well this is super late. Let's see for week of July 15th was in Kansas for vacation meeting new people it was fun. I didn't run a day. I thought about it, lol and was like nahhh I still hate it and being on vacation I came up with every excuse in the book easily. See I don't wanna be like that. I wanna be one of those ones that CRAVE a run, feel releIf from it not like your heart may actually stop right now kind pain and misery. But on July 27, 2013 I "ran" (sorta) my first 5k. My only goal for this one was just to actually show up. Drive from Waco to Dallas and participate. I had planned to walk the entire thing cuz I didn't wanna be so disappointed for setting such high expectations that I felt like a huge failure. My best friend and sister Taresa went and our new friend Natalie went too. Just us 3 for my first 5k (cuz Michelle bailed due to over partying maybe lol) and it went well. I ran some. I mean I was glad it was over my feet hurt before we started. This is one of the strange things with me, I know it's HUGE for me to have done that, I feel no sense of pride people talk about. Didn't feel "ALIVE" for the thrill of the run. Hell no it was hot and sweaty and my fat thighs had chaffed together so it was time to go pretty soon after. Lol not bad for 5k #1

Run

No motivation. "I'm doing horizontal running."

Road trip

Break for the drive to Kansas....

Thinking

I'm gonna have to step it up beyond running. Is that a good idea? To add more workouts or too much for the beginning mover lol?

This is me now lol thanks Rhi!!

Run run

Last nights run honestly was SOOO hard but not bad but I did have to cut it short ish. Let's see how do I tactfully explain this. I finished 6 of 8 rounds or whatever they're called, cuz I guess lets just say maybe running has sped up digestion or metabolism??? Either of which is great. I see though I get sooooooooooooo freakin BORED! Like walking at least I can look at Facebook or text but running, even for 60 damn seconds my ADHD ass is hating it!! ANY IDEAS OR TIPS TO HELP THERE????? Cuz I'm running again tonight. Driving to Kansas this weekend so not sure how well I will keep it up in a strange town but my goal is to get one run in and at LEAST ONE ON THE BEACH in port A next weekend!!!! YES! Lol

Day 4 Time to run!

Here I go down the pretty well lit up streets of my neighborhood thanks to Chas for the reminder... I truly freakin forgot. I won't lie, a little teary eyed. 

Loss. For PTSD people it's anxiety driven, self punishing misery. You know when you realize you can't be friends with someone anymore, betrayed again, or just, I don't know I just don't want to be friends with them anymore.  

If running really has magic I pray it takes over now. 

Day 3 (7/10/2013)

Well no running a again but I am making time for myself so that's a good thing. I had dinner with my best friend I haven't seen in like a year. Starting to feel down like I'm wasting my time trying to do this. How on earth do I prioritize this running? When I already don't have a life so I jump at any opportunity to socialize with adults lol maybe I can learn some prioritization strategies? any suggestions? How do you do this and have my kind of busy life??

Day 2 (7/9/2013)

No running today due to an unexpected long day at work. Being a Nurse, no matter the job, it can be very demanding and stressful which adds to my anxiety, forgetfulness and mood. I'm learning to not be so hard on myself such as feeling like a complete failure for not running on day 2 but I realize it's new and I won't always be able to run everyday. But in a substitute form I did swim a couple of hours to be MOVING which is my main focus (thus the blog title lol) but I so not look forward to not having an excuse to run today. Ugh. It actually hurts and I get winded at 90 seconds of running... Kind of embarrassing!! 

1st "Run"

Well...I still hate it but I did it. I got through most of the first work out of the couch to 5k day. Wish I could say I got Ll the way through but I skipped the last jog and warm up but I am proud, I actually did it but I still hate it. 

Day 1

For lack of a better idea of a title: day one is all I got. 

This is a blog I decided today to create and am working on now without preparation or much forethought so, bare with the progress. 

I come to you today to talk about my adventures with "running". I place that in quotes because I have many friends and no doubt they have many that agree that running is a sport, a love, a reason to wake up in the morning, I even have one of my best friends say "this is why I was born." No joke, to run. For 3 years now I've searched high and low for something else, anything else ANYTHING to do that I could find enjoyment and all my friends are runners. It is so discouraging, I hate running. I hate walking for that matter. I get short of breath easy, cranky in the heat or cold, I just wanna be where I'm comfortable. And that thought my friends, still took years to register as the thought that well, made me think lol. 

I have no real purpose set out for this blog except to help keep me accountable to just MOVE today and MOVE tomorrow instead of sitting around fat and miserable. I hope to have all my wild eyed giddy running friends help in holding me to that accountability somewhat like the best friend that said "then fucking just do it" which was today, which motivated me to actually do this blog. I do have in the back of my head high hopes that all this "running" talk is what its cracked up to be. With very few options for a thirty something middle aged divorced mommy of 2 busy busy full time working single mother can particpate in, I thought I should give this running crap a real chance. Can't really knock it unless you try it right??

So here is a brief run down of me statistically. I'm 35 (ok, almost 36). I've "ran" sort of before but have had pretty bad shin splints but that was a different mind frame. I hate working out I hate running, I love sports, I love being outside but hate being hot. I'm a good 50lbs over weight by BMI standards, I feel miserable and have low ish self esteem. I'm a fighter, good resilience but hate being embarassed. I have a severe disorder called complex PTSD that's been a surviving mechanisism in my life but also caused problems in my 15 year marriage that has been over about 3 years or so. My ex and I raise our 2 kids together the best we can. We have a better relationship now than we did 3 years ago that's for sure. But, my emotional state is largely controled by my disorder. So I have to work extra hard to not be depressed. So this gives me something else to do :) I hope you will join me. Help and comments, support and motivations and tips are all welcomed (uh hem needed). 

I start today using couch to 5k app thingy. I'm fearful I wont even finish that, more fearful I won't do it but tell those holding me accountable I did so they won't think I'm a slug ass loser. But I'm going to be as honest as I can. I hate running, everyone knows that. I think it's stupid but don't judge those that love it I mean, I love peanut butter on my pancakes and that's ok. 

What even brought running to me wasn't even that everyone in my life and around me LOVE it, even THAT didn't work on me. What worked is my sister Taresa and her sister in law Michelle started doing these 5K's together and posting them on facebook. Now I don't know what motivated them, but what motivated me was 1. "(pouty face) Ugh, why is my sister doing stuff with other people and not me? I wanna go! (they live in DFW and i don't btw) then the 2nd was when I payed closer attention I thought "OMG these look fun!" I've WALKED 3 miles for a good cause before surely I can do these color runs, zombie runs, beer runs, mud runs etc cuz they look like so much fun and I can do them with Taresa and Michelle and I miss my sister" 

So as the first 5K approaches and I am just starting the couch to 5K thing my realistic goal is to just actually BE THERE and finish by any means possible. I know I wont be a super racer or make good time but if I show up....just if I ACTUALLY SHOW UP....THAT will be a truly amazing, miraculous feat! Stay TUNED!!!!