Square one

Before you can implement real change or to better yourself you have to work on 2 things. Self acceptance (acceptance period) and self discipline. Acceptance is hard when you don't know how to consciously do that. Now that I have a definition and know the specific skills to do or not do, I can start working on that finally. No one else's acceptance with permanently do anything for me. So no one else's rejection should either. This is my life as it is today. With all the bad and sad and hurt and pain and the happy and excited and the smart and the full of love surprises and desire to love someone and be loved back. But first my self esteem. I have truly not believed people when they say I'm pretty or smart or they were in love with me. It always registered "they only love you cuz they mistakenly married you" "they say they love you cuz they are married and will say anything to contain you" "they say they love you but they can't no one can love me like that what reasons can he possibly" and I never Fought off those dumb voices I didn't hear. Self esteem is something you feel self acceptance is something that you do. I accept that I've been wrong and boy I paid hefty prices for those mistakes. I wish I wouldn't have made them. I made my own difficulty in life. I wanted someone to save me. No one did. I thought someone was supposed to ride up on their horse and declare their love for me, that loss couldn't be bared kinda love. But they had feelings too. How could they possibly think they could do that for me by the feelings I have them? I accept I expected the impossible. It sucks I didn't have good support but really I wasn't honest with the support either. I wanted my white horse and told no one. When I finally realized it wouldn't happen and try to rescue them it's too late. Words can't be taken back. I'm stronger than most so I can take more pain than most people and that is definitely to my disadvantage. It's A very lonely power. Strength. No one has it comparable so when I dish it out and they can't take it, I feel unloved and unworthy. I'm not. It's not their fault what I've been thru and I shouldn't expect them to be able to endure the pain that I can. But just because I can endure doesn't mean someone should keep doing it. If they lie when ur together they will lie when ur apart. They know they can. Accept they don't love you and there is someone else better you haven't met yet. It's all you can do. Don't beat yourself up. You have this one life and you're gonna die soon anyway. Live it. 

Run today

Running again but not great 

Back on track!!

I hate it less. 

3rd race

The monster run wow I'm still not doing much ugh

Running tonight!!!

Im trying so hard for motivation!!

Trying and retrying but hey I haven't given up!!

So, no I haven't become a runner like a to all yet but I DO love going to the runs. It inspires me so yesterday I did walk some. I love the non pressure non judgment way Natalie, Michelle & Taresa encourage me. I love that Rhi is always SOMETHING for me to do. I can't let them down either. I am gonna try to couch to 5k thingy again, join Waco striders & go to the Y instead if the small places. Not all crazy at once that will be overwhelming. Actually having the kids full time makes my life make more sense! Parents aren't supposed to be without their kids that long! A mother will go insane. And I did. So now I'm back to normal if there was such a thing haha check out some cook pics from my 2nd 5k! (That I walked mostly I just hate running) lol

2nd 5k... Yes really.

So ever since I haven't run much since the first one... Today I am still driving to Dallas to do my 2nd 5k. I'm kinda disappointed I'm not in any better shape that the last one. I mean I WANT to make time to do it. I just don't know how and keep my kids in activities. They don't do over kill or anything but 2 kids in one sport each semester and schoo work and my full time nurse job. Where's the time for me to make time? Taking away sleep is the only way. I know there's a way I just have to find it. I need help finding it and starting it!! Help! But at least I'm going today. And being with my sister and new friends. This is what I need in my life!!! It's what's missing.